It's Called "Post Mortem" for a Reason

Today, after the death march, we had the post-mortem.

For those who think I'm referring to CSI, what actually happens is that when a project is done, all the people involved get together to go over what happened and figure out what went well, what could have gone better and what needs to be done in the future to do things well.

This sounds very productive: constructive criticism accompanied by a willingness to improve is a cornerstone to change. What actually happens is another matter.

While I've been to an occasional post-mortem that had to be broken up by the riot squad, they are the (surprisingly) exception rather than the rule. What normally happens is that the technical folks identify that they succeeded (except where obviously they didn't) in spite of the ridiculous timelines, nebulous and ever-changing requirements and dearth of tools which should be standard but are actually not in the budget.

And of course the people who set the timelines, requirements and budgets are present. It's always a laugh when they get defensive and try to justify their short-sightedness and sundry other petty politics and stupidity with the following standard come-backs:

1. We Need to be Competitive: This usually means that the competition did "it" already and we are just following along, despite the fact that the competition has probably working on "it" for the past couple of years.
   
2. Our Goals Were Well Defined: while this may be true, it is only so in a narrow sense. The goal is to make money by spending none of it and investing the lives of our minions is cheaper than actually planning something. That would be extraneous to the goal and waste of everyones time as the actual requirements will change at a rate that could power a small community for a decade. Besides, they get the bonuses while the techs are denied holidays because of operational requirements.
   
3. It's Part of our Corporate Vision: Same as the above, really, but the boss's boss gets the bonus. the same executive who got shit-faced at a conference or other public event and "announced" the product to the press and gave a definitive deadline. All because he read something about in the in-flight magazine.
   
4. Our Success is Measured at the Corporate Level, not the Individual Level: If that was true I'd be making the same salary and bonuses as the VP of marketing. next.
   
5. It's a Team Effort: One I'm starting to despise as it sounds more and more like the people in charge are putting a fix in.
   
6. What Happened to the IT Work Ethic?: First off, the slaving-at-a-keyboard for 80 hours a week burst with the Internet Dot Com bubble. Most programmers I know just see it as a job. Not to mention in those days the place you worked for provided for food, drink, shelter, recreation etc so their technical people had no reason to leave. When I don't have to pay for my coffee, we'll talk. Besides, while we were working late at night, the sponsor was being wined and dined at a mansion in Spain.
   
7. We Have an Entrepreneurial Spirit: Now I understand that there is a great amount of drive to succeed with a entrepreneurial initiative. Much of that derives from the fact that the very high risk with a high level of personal investment is accompanied by a possible very high reward. I earn a salary, so my reward is pretty damn low for the investment I'm being forced to make.

I could go on, but even I can only be so bitter (hard to believe I know). I still enjoy post-mortems as it's the only real opportunity to see men in $3000 suits look uncomfortable. And I get to make them feel that way. As for the career limiting move factor, I've mad more CLMs in a year than most people do in a lifetime. I consider it a "perk".