The Russian Experiment

So a bit over a month back I got drunk. While this event is not remarkable in any way, I did break the "do not drink and surf" policy.

Apparently, I signed up for a Russian Mail Order Bride Site. Quiet, lemme explain.

Having totally forgotten about it, I got an email saying I had received a message from one of these women. Now when I signed up, I didn't put any kind of personal information whatsoever. It was just a username (not dykmoby).

I had the seed (okay, maybe seed is too pure a word) of an idea. I filled out my profile using one of my old profiles back in the humiliation-on-the-internet days (dating sites). No pictures though. I would see if I was internationally undateable.

So over the next week I got about a dozen or so emails (5 in one day) from ladies from the former Soviet Union. Thus stage 1 was complete: I don't come off that bad.

Stage 2: Post A Picture. Not the worst, but not the best either. I waited to see the response. After one week, one email. I concluded that I was indeed internationally undateable.

Then last weekend came around.

20 on Saturday.

25 on Sunday.

41 on Monday.

When I finally pulled the plug tonight, I had over 140 emails.

Now I felt guilty. In all likelyhood, all these women just spammed potential Western Husbands just to improve the odds. Add to that, there was a certain desperation to some of emails I read (cost $3 an email, but my curiosity got the better of me). Kinda sad.

It did give me an idea for book though. You see the site offers these "tours" where you go to a couple of major centers and have "socials" with the women. Apparently the men are outnumbered about 10 to 1.

That would be an amazing story. Fiction or non-fiction (or even a documentary). What drives the men to seek mates half-way across the world and propose after meeting them in what is essentially a glorified cocktail-party? What are they looking for that they can't find at home?

And there's the women of course. I get that many of them have never been married (the site is pretty explicit about that) but why seek mates, who don't speak a word of Russian or Ukrainian? Hostile conditions? Are Russian men weenies?

Ad of course there's the business of setting this up. Who do they market to? Is it profitable? Is this a cynical enterprise that preys on lonely men and women for outrageous profit? Is it still doing good works despite the money involved?

Maybe I'll call it The Road to Odessa.

So anyways, that's the latest social experiment. Up Next: Going to a Halloween party in tights at work. Career Limiting Move? Definitely a social limiting move...

My Space

Erg. Okay I set up a profile on MySpace a while back. Yeah I know, "trendy". Walp, I have a video blog there. Or I'll keep recording videos cuz I bought this stupid webcam on a lark and need to justify it.

And I'm still sick! What the hell? I've never had a cold longer than a week and this makes it two weeks! This suck (and blows).

There's a joke about kleenex consumption in there, feel free.

So on Thursday, coffee with the little brothers turned out to be drinks with the brothers which means I broke a Skype test with Capa. Apparently he is also sick so I hope he doesn't have what I have. Sorry twice dude.

Work sucks, but I got an email from one of my (many) former managers which looks promising.

What else? Oh yeah, looks like there may be a weekend in Vegas this November. The guys I would be going with are hard-core poker players (although I'm sure they'll get reamed in Vegas) I'll just give 'em 100 bucks each to get it over with and go see Penn & Teller.

Also have my evaluation for frickin' laser eye surgery this week. Looking forward to after I get zapped, but the actual procedure has me a bit paranoid.

For now, I'm cleaning the closets (gah) overdosing on Vitamin C and avoiding buying games and movies.

Quicky Update

Not moving or at least it's on hold for a while. Things need to be "worked out". But that also means the weeks I took off in November can be entirely dedicated to writing.

That and drinking with Capa.

And I can't shake this damn cold. Dammit.

h and since Battlefield 1242 has spyware of a sort plus in-game ads, I ain't getting it. At least not until it drops to the bargain-bin prices.

Not much else to report. It snowed. Soon there will be skiing.

Select * From ToDoList

0 records returned.

Sorry, DB geek humor.

Actually it's kind of odd. After a 12 hour nap last night (still trying to shake this cold) I find myself with a dearth of chores to do this weekend. It's quite odd as I can't remember a weekend in the past three months where I wasn't constantly running around. The only thing I need to do is get a new bolt for my bike seat.

That breaking was a very, very painful experience. I won't go into details, except to say I suddenly had "Moon River" going through my head.

So after I pick that up and chow down, looks like I'm free and clear for doing some writing (I have a short based on the Tapes incident that I'm half way through).

On the other had, a part of me is waiting for another shoe to drop. Ah well, enjoy it while it lasts.

Cure Worse Than Disease

Yep still sick. My sleep patterns, not always the best when I'm well, are terribly disturbed, thus the 5 AM posting. I'll be asleep in my cubicle by noon. Which is only 3 hours earlier than normal, but still.

I've been using Trend's Pc-cillan for a couple of years now as my firewall/anti-virus software. But a couple of days ago it was removed from my hard-drive.

They had released a new version when I renewed my license last week. 2007 was rich in features (more in terms of advisories, email spam tools etc) but I'm thinking it was still pretty much beta. The mail checker took so long to initialize my connection to my mail server would time out. The ability to customize firewall settings was difficult to find (and obscure to use). Now this would have been survivable if it didn't actually screw up the TCIP stack every fifteen minutes to two hours, forcing me to reboot. Granted I don't have anything to play online at the moment, but still.

That was the last straw (and a big one at that). Last year they produced an update that would go into an infinite loop and max out your CPU. I had to re-install windows. Yet I still gave them the benefit of the doubt. Not this time. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me eleven times shame on me.

I gotta go swallow a bottle of vitamin C.

Snuffle Shuffle

Gah. The cold I have been fighting for a week was victorious yesterday. Time to get my pharma on. No other news to report, I just wanted to bitch about that.

Oh, wait, one thing to report.

Seems my little brother's live-in girlfriend will soon be his live-in ex-girlfriend and just his ex by the end of October. He asked me if I would be willing to move in with him as he still has 10 months on his 12 month lease and needs a room mate.

Despite the fact that I am a guy who needs his fortress of solitude, the offer does appeal to me.

It's a great apartment

It's in a great location with plenty of social options within walking distance and walking distance to work.

It's an opportunity to do a major purge of all the junk I've accumulated over the past few years here

my current building is spiralling down fast in terms of quality and location

Hey, he's my little brother

He is also working on the possibility of renting out to some students, but he's not sure if he wants to go that route. One major downside is that I would have to pack and move during NaNoWriMo. Not good.

Update: Confirmed, I'm moving in November. Looks like I will need to take a week off to move (and hopefully write).

It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time

Well, it did. This is what happens when I wake up at 5:30 AM and can't get back sleep.

So after yesterday's, well, dramatic post I gave some things more thought. I came to the conclusion, while my friends and family are quite helpful, they are still friends and family which means things to get ... sugar coated. Can't blame them at all with that: they still have to deal with me, which is awkward to start without being brutally honest.

So where does a guy get an honest opinion?

Then while watching Battlestar Galactica (I know, I know, shut up) there was the episode where Apollo is "seeing" an escort. It then struck me. Hire an escort! No, not for sex (that's just something I am never going to do, it means I lose) but to go out on a "simulated date" of sorts, getting advice from a pro. Of course, I thought I would have to make it very clear that the only financial transaction was going to be for her time only. All clothes would remain on respective bodies at all times.

This is scientific research after all.

Naturally, I hit the Intertoobes and looked up the local talent. For pure looks, I wasn't terribly impressed. Then I saw some of the rates.

Lemme tell ya, if anyone says that dating someone is just as, if not more, expensive as hiring out a pro, I'm gonna laugh.

So much for that idea.

Beauty and the Beast

I had fully intended to go out for Indian food and then get total shit-faced with my brother tonight, but since I ate at Taco Bell yesterday for lunch, I experienced the shit without the face all day today. I never seem to learn...

So I'm blogging while waiting for the download of the Battlefield 2142 demo to finish.

Two events of note this week, relating to women and my association (or lack thereof) with women. Yeah I know, let the poor horse rest in peace but you know, I'm delirious from salsa poisoning.

So the first thing is a comment I read or heard or saw or something this past while. I can't remember the exact words, but it went something like: when a man reaches a certain age, he begins to see all women as beautiful.

I think that's happening to me.

Now I kind of pride myself on not being the kind of guy who bases his opinion of women solely on their looks. Directly opposed to that though is the fact that I am a very, very visual person. Not uncommon for guys, but just the same.

When guys are younger they assess a woman's looks based on the whole package: if there is a "flaw" of some kind, then their entire opinion of her looks goes down. Sort of like making a mistake on a written French exam. Remember those? You start at 100% and lost grades for you mistakes. And there was at least 4707% worth of possible errors per exam.

Now many guys before a certain age - I think I can say not the majority, but certainly a significant minority - are looking for that perfect look, and so any feature that does not match the template destroys the entire image. Or rather, destroys the entire fantasy of the image. For the rest, the situation is almost the same, but with just a higher tolerance level. I've been attracted to the unconventional beauties, but will fully admit to have done the whole French exam methodology.

Somewhere in recent history that completely reversed. Now I find when I'm looking at women, I can pick out those very attractive features and qualities which would be completely ignored by those younger than myself (get off my lawn!) and admire them in and of themselves. A graceful neck, a twinkle in the eye, the way she holds herself, a killer smile and many, many others too numerous to name here.

A part of me wonders though if that change prompts the whole mid-life crisis in guys. You notice all these beautiful women (most of whom you previously wouldn't give a second glance) around. Where the hell did they come from? Well, like I tell women (with no prompting) who think they can't meet a nice guy: you meet them every day! You;re just not attracted to them. So our balding 40-ish male realizes that he missed all this. And is probably not capable of getting their attention if he was single.

Well I am single which brings me to my next little anecdote.

I was sitting in a coffee shop at lunch the other day, reading my book, watching the people go by (and pondering the above) when I saw someone who, although not a conventional beauty, took my breath away. My instant thought was "Wow, I would love to introduce myself to her!".

Then I heard another voice. Not the usual racket going on from my personal Greek Chorus (see "My Name is Legion"). But a new voice. One that whispered from a dark corner.


"She would never talk to you."
"Who the hell is that?" The rest of the voices gave a silent shrug "No seriously, who said that?"
"Me," I could hear the malicious sneer in that one syllable.
"How the hell would you know," all on the defensive, "you've never been here before."
A laugh that sounded like dust being cleared from an old copper pipe made it's way from a dark corner, " Oh, but I have my friend. I've been with you... quite some time."
"Alright," I decided to play along, not because I thought this voice had no power, but because I knew this voice had a power I couldn't yet perceive, "Why do you think she wouldn't want to talk to me?"
That laugh again, except it was the bark of a clog being cleared, "Well, because it's you."
"What the hell does that mean?"
"You. Women can tell when men lack confidence, and you, well, we both know your history don't we?" I could hear thin lips being pulled back over needle-like teeth.
"So you're saying women won't talk to me because I lack confidence?"
"Obviously."
"It was you wasn't it?"
"Why whatever do you mean?" that was delivered with the purr of an old and mangy mouser seeing the tail of a small rodent disappear behind a corner.
"I lack confidence, true. But it seems that comes into play after I think I'd like to talk to a girl. And actually decide to." The realization dawned quite suddenly, "You have been with me for a while."
Silence from that corner. The quiet before the pounce or the escape, I wasn't sure.
"The girl from band camp, Leah. The girl at the bus stop having problems with her luggage. Heather, Tracy, Linda, Jacee, Monique, Lee, Alexandra, all of them! Every time I thought I should take a chance but backed down! Every time it was time to take a small risk for the potential of a great reward it was you whispering in my ear, telling me I wasn't good enough. Or handsome enough or fun enough!" I could feel the heat rising behind my ears.
"I wasn't good enough because I thought I wasn't good enough. And I thought I wasn't good enough because of you!"
Silence. Then, "Of course, who am I if not yourself, and who if not me?"
I pondered that. And came to one inescapable conclusion. Some voices must be silenced.

Okay I am being over-dramatic here. But I gotta work on my dialogue skills for NaNoWriMo.

I am working to quiet that mother-fucker. And so far, even after a couple of days, it's working.

I'm saying "Hi, howya doin'?" to perfect strangers on the street. And getting good responses. Today I very cute blonde did a "Hi" back. I caught her checking me out in the reflection in the glass building.

At work, I think one admin assistant from the executive floor and one from the legal department are actually flirting with me. I'm trying to flirt back, but that ain't pretty.

But that's just a lack of experience. I'm a quick learner.

See ya!

Update: Well, looks like it's time for a new video card. I'm about 6 chipsets behind. At least have have Battlestar Galactica 2.5 to keep me company. Sci-fi with hot babes and good writing. How much better can it get?

Well, yeah, there's that. And that. Oh and some of those. Plenty of that....

Further Update: Apparently I am now officially a Dirty Old Man.

Fall in 60 Seconds

Yup, we are now in the first, last and only week of Fall here in Cowtown. Biking to work will no longer be an alternative by the weekend. So I either drive, which ain't gonna happen at $20+ a day in parking; take the bus, which is basically "Get Exposed To Every Disease Known To Mankind for only $5 a Day" or walk, which means some days I freeze mah buh-toks off for 60 minutes a day.

Mah but-toks kin take 'er. Er, that's not exactly how I wanted that to sound. I know at least two of you thought of the phrase "squeal like a pig, boy!".

I am from Regina, but that's why I got out.

In other news, I saw a truck bearing the logo of the fine folks at Haliburton hurtling through traffic, side-swiping various vehicles and generally acting like he hit something and was trying to get away. Two minutes later a cop pulled a different guy over for running a stale yellow.

Sums it all up really.

So I'm considering moving in March or April. Again. But I'm not sure if it's across town or across country, depends on how the job goes. If it's okay, I just want a two-bedroom place so I can have an office again. And a dishwasher. And Secure parking. And hardwood floors and en suite washer and dryer. And new furniture to go with it. And, er, well, the usual thing. The other thing. Yup, that one.

And I am going to gym today if it kills me. Considering how long since it's been since I did a work out, it just might. Then someone else has to worry about moving my stuff, so there's that.

Capa, let's do lunch. You chatted when I was all grumpy, at least I can return the favor. Gotta get you ready for NaNoWriMo after all.

Update:Went to the gym. Ow. Rather masochistic actually, surrounded by beautiful women while while inflicting pain on myself.

This Doesn't Bode Well

Well, first day on the new team (officially) and I'm already worried. Not as much planning as strategy as I had thought (ie none). It's happening in a very haphazard way that stinks of management by decalration: managers declare "this is so" and expect it to be so without anyone actually doing anything about it.

I'm not pinning this on my new boss, but he is new to management and is very eager to please so is probably not pushing back when he should.

We'll see what happens over the next few days, but I feel like I just blasted a hole in a grate, jumped blindly through the opening and suddenly the walls are inching closer to each other.

Some escape this is.....

Oh, that's right...

I have a blog!

Well, the 'rents have all gone to their respective corners - I mean residences - and so ends another nutso weekend. Yeesh. I think I need a vacation. I know I need a vacation, who am I kidding.

Unfortunately that may prove to be a tad difficult. In addition to being a weekend of constant clock-chasing, it was also a drain on the wallet.

Plane ticket to Regina for Christmas: $480

Finally paying off my line of credit: $2014

Lightwave software (apparently Visa rejected the payment the first time around, for some odd reason) $1114

Renewal of security software: $66

Add to that my eyeball piercing later this year (~$2000) and we have a flaccid bank roll. And to think I was going to set some non-student, non-Ikea furniture later this month. Or a new video card. May have to settle with just a jumbo Toblerone.

This week should be a tad more sedate: with the past couple weeks running around, I haven't been to the gym more than twice, which means something like "I will pay for a workout Tuesday for a hamburger today" style of thing. But I do need to go, I have this body of a 25 year old to maintain. Okay, maybe 30. 37?

Okay, okay, shut up.