Where Was I?

Oh yes, vacation.

The second half of my trip to the southernmost tip of the Great White North was spent getting requainted with my family on my Mom's side. One of my (many) aunts has a cabin in Cottage Country, which she and her husband (which I guess would make him my uncle) have built up over the years.

Now remember that since I was 5 years old, I've been living on bald-ass prairie. A "lake" is actually a slough, the content of which is about 50% cow shit. Give or take. Cottage Country on the other wellie, is dotted with "kettle lakes", formed when the glaciers retreated, leaving behind chunks which melted and formed pleasantly small, natural lakes. The end result is that pretty much each lake is isolated from the rest and there are cottages everywhere.

Probably the most relaxing four days of my life: nothing to do but drink, eat, realize that my family is insane and get eaten by mosquitoes, horse flies and deer flies. Circle of life, right?

Of course the bestest part was being right on the lake. I'm an enthusiastic if not talented swimmer (bald-ass prairie, remember?) and going swimming three or four times a day is balm for the soul. Not quite the same as swimming in an ocean (less waves, but mind you, less jellyfish) but pretty top notch all the same.

Of course all good things must come to a crashing halt, so we made our way back to The Big Smoke. The last day was spent packing up my little brother in preparation for his move back to Calgary to learn how to use X-Rays and stuff. In 40+ degree Centigrade humidity. So I sweated off all the weight I gained at the cottage.

Which now means I have a brother that can get ahold of industrial grade lasers, one that will be harness cosmic rays and me, who can, er, normalize a database. World domination here we come!

The flight back to afore mentioned bald-ass prairie (what? I like saying "bald ass prairie") was uneventful (although we flew right by some thunderheads, very cool). The interesting part was when I went to claim my luggage....

Airports have a policy of cutting off those pathetic little locks some people put on their luggage to "secure" it from thieving hands. And of course since we are at terror level teal with burgundy highlights, they get promptly chopped off. The locks I mean. Although I've heard stories about what security does if they find a cuticle file in your carry on...

Now, my luggage (which my father have to my for my high-school graduation. Subtle, Dad) is "soft" like a gym bag. It has two zippers on the top, threaded together by a faux-leather strap so you can open and close it on one swift movement. When I picked up my bag off the spinning thingymadoodad, I never gave it a second thought. I just wanted to get home, crash, read my email and play a game or two (the game in this case was EvE online, but I'll get to that later).

So later that night when I was unpacking, I noticed the strap had been cut off. I was a little miffed, but what the heck, it's a twenty year old back and had started to develop a ... smell. Then I found the tapes.

Three Super 8 video tapes to be precise. The only labels were numbers: 2, 3 and 5. I don't own a video camera. And I have one of those nice laminated tags on my bag with my name, address and phone number.

This freaked me out. I had repacked my back just before we left for the airport and went straight from the van to the check in. At no point did I even let go of my bag, let alone leave it unattended. The chicanery must have happened after it was tagged and sent back to mysterious airport locales via the conveyer belt. I'm guessing luggage throwers or someone having access to the bowels of the airport must have put them in there.

The tapes were actually tapes: no drugs, no strange powders etc. Just tapes. But still it freaked me out; there was a bust of a huge child-porn ring recently (my uncle is on the T.O. Police S.W.A.T. team) and frankly I've heard stories of what they do to those guys in jail. My uncle was very specific. And graphic. What if someone wanted to deliver something like that by busting into a bag with a clearly labeled address and go for a "visit" to pick them up at a later date?

So I did what any upright, responsible citizen would do: I barred the doors and cowered in my bedroom, fake Samurai sword close to hand.

Er, so, yeah. Once the cold grip of paranoia relented a bit to go get a cigarette, I called the airline and explained what happened. They had never heard of anyone finding something extra in their bag, it's usually the other way around (and how much confidence did that give me that my stuff was in good hands?). They suggested I call the police.

But tell them what? "Yes officer, I'd like to report a crime. Someone opened up my luggage and gave me stuff... No, nothing was missing... No, nothing illegal, just some video tapes... hello?". Yeah right. I know, it's still suspicious, and more than likely the police would think it's a legitimate concern, but I know the local constabulary have better things to do than "investigate" something as innocuous as this. Like giving out tickets for littering or making a left-hand turn. Real crimes.

At work I asked around: did anyone have a Super 8 video camera? And of course I had to explain why I wanted a camera every time and hear "Why, you have a new girlfriend? Hur hur hur..." every time.

Eventually, someone had a camera and brought it in for me. As I anxiously placed the first tape in I wondered what it could possibly be: a redux of the cell phone camera incident (Not again!)? Weird, funky, kinky porno (Ew.... hey that's not bad. ) ? Bland home movies of a WASP family vacation (shudder!)? The lost missive of some zany terrorist organization (Profit!)?

They were blank!

What an anti-climactic moment. I was bummed for the rest of the day. I was at work so no big change there. But what I did get out of it was a story idea (although I'm changing the blank tape thing) which is pertinent at this time for reasons I will relate later this weekend.

Stay Tuned!!!