Say "Aaaargh!"

Moving on!

I still have a sore throat. Still! When I got back from vacation, I went back to the clinic and got another doctor. Because my first doctor had handwriting even other doctors couldn't read, I had to go through the entire scenario over the last two months.

So he gave me more anti-biotics, recommended I gargle with hydrogen peroxide (!!!) and stop complaining. And to think there's a movement to go with a two-tier medical system. I woldn't pay another bloody dime for this kind of treatment.

I almost never see doctors. I haven't had a check-up in (counts on fingers, then toes) 18 years. Before the whole strep thing, I only went to the doctor for "tests" after a relationship went south. These were always amusing....

Doctor: "So, what exactly did you want to test for?"
Me: "Everything."
Doctor: "What do you mean, everything? That's alot of tests."
Me: "Anything that could be contracted by sleeping with someone who has schtupped the entire staff of a large casino. Everything."
Doctor: "Oh...."

You get the idea.....

Tomorrow: Start Write Now. Time to actually put words on paper. I blame everything of Capa.

Where Was I?

Oh yes, vacation.

The second half of my trip to the southernmost tip of the Great White North was spent getting requainted with my family on my Mom's side. One of my (many) aunts has a cabin in Cottage Country, which she and her husband (which I guess would make him my uncle) have built up over the years.

Now remember that since I was 5 years old, I've been living on bald-ass prairie. A "lake" is actually a slough, the content of which is about 50% cow shit. Give or take. Cottage Country on the other wellie, is dotted with "kettle lakes", formed when the glaciers retreated, leaving behind chunks which melted and formed pleasantly small, natural lakes. The end result is that pretty much each lake is isolated from the rest and there are cottages everywhere.

Probably the most relaxing four days of my life: nothing to do but drink, eat, realize that my family is insane and get eaten by mosquitoes, horse flies and deer flies. Circle of life, right?

Of course the bestest part was being right on the lake. I'm an enthusiastic if not talented swimmer (bald-ass prairie, remember?) and going swimming three or four times a day is balm for the soul. Not quite the same as swimming in an ocean (less waves, but mind you, less jellyfish) but pretty top notch all the same.

Of course all good things must come to a crashing halt, so we made our way back to The Big Smoke. The last day was spent packing up my little brother in preparation for his move back to Calgary to learn how to use X-Rays and stuff. In 40+ degree Centigrade humidity. So I sweated off all the weight I gained at the cottage.

Which now means I have a brother that can get ahold of industrial grade lasers, one that will be harness cosmic rays and me, who can, er, normalize a database. World domination here we come!

The flight back to afore mentioned bald-ass prairie (what? I like saying "bald ass prairie") was uneventful (although we flew right by some thunderheads, very cool). The interesting part was when I went to claim my luggage....

Airports have a policy of cutting off those pathetic little locks some people put on their luggage to "secure" it from thieving hands. And of course since we are at terror level teal with burgundy highlights, they get promptly chopped off. The locks I mean. Although I've heard stories about what security does if they find a cuticle file in your carry on...

Now, my luggage (which my father have to my for my high-school graduation. Subtle, Dad) is "soft" like a gym bag. It has two zippers on the top, threaded together by a faux-leather strap so you can open and close it on one swift movement. When I picked up my bag off the spinning thingymadoodad, I never gave it a second thought. I just wanted to get home, crash, read my email and play a game or two (the game in this case was EvE online, but I'll get to that later).

So later that night when I was unpacking, I noticed the strap had been cut off. I was a little miffed, but what the heck, it's a twenty year old back and had started to develop a ... smell. Then I found the tapes.

Three Super 8 video tapes to be precise. The only labels were numbers: 2, 3 and 5. I don't own a video camera. And I have one of those nice laminated tags on my bag with my name, address and phone number.

This freaked me out. I had repacked my back just before we left for the airport and went straight from the van to the check in. At no point did I even let go of my bag, let alone leave it unattended. The chicanery must have happened after it was tagged and sent back to mysterious airport locales via the conveyer belt. I'm guessing luggage throwers or someone having access to the bowels of the airport must have put them in there.

The tapes were actually tapes: no drugs, no strange powders etc. Just tapes. But still it freaked me out; there was a bust of a huge child-porn ring recently (my uncle is on the T.O. Police S.W.A.T. team) and frankly I've heard stories of what they do to those guys in jail. My uncle was very specific. And graphic. What if someone wanted to deliver something like that by busting into a bag with a clearly labeled address and go for a "visit" to pick them up at a later date?

So I did what any upright, responsible citizen would do: I barred the doors and cowered in my bedroom, fake Samurai sword close to hand.

Er, so, yeah. Once the cold grip of paranoia relented a bit to go get a cigarette, I called the airline and explained what happened. They had never heard of anyone finding something extra in their bag, it's usually the other way around (and how much confidence did that give me that my stuff was in good hands?). They suggested I call the police.

But tell them what? "Yes officer, I'd like to report a crime. Someone opened up my luggage and gave me stuff... No, nothing was missing... No, nothing illegal, just some video tapes... hello?". Yeah right. I know, it's still suspicious, and more than likely the police would think it's a legitimate concern, but I know the local constabulary have better things to do than "investigate" something as innocuous as this. Like giving out tickets for littering or making a left-hand turn. Real crimes.

At work I asked around: did anyone have a Super 8 video camera? And of course I had to explain why I wanted a camera every time and hear "Why, you have a new girlfriend? Hur hur hur..." every time.

Eventually, someone had a camera and brought it in for me. As I anxiously placed the first tape in I wondered what it could possibly be: a redux of the cell phone camera incident (Not again!)? Weird, funky, kinky porno (Ew.... hey that's not bad. ) ? Bland home movies of a WASP family vacation (shudder!)? The lost missive of some zany terrorist organization (Profit!)?

They were blank!

What an anti-climactic moment. I was bummed for the rest of the day. I was at work so no big change there. But what I did get out of it was a story idea (although I'm changing the blank tape thing) which is pertinent at this time for reasons I will relate later this weekend.

Stay Tuned!!!

Salad

I need to eat some.

Anyhoo, just a notice that I will be in fact updating this blog this weekend, just have alot of stuff to do. Here's what's coming up:

Sore Throat: The Epic Series

Tapes on a Plane: or Why I'll Only Take Carry-on When Travelling

Blank Page: How I'll be Guilted Into a Writing Career

Cottage Country: It Ain't Italy but it's Still Nice (Or is that in France?)

TLAs: EVE and DVDs

Singularity: How I Came to Terms With Never Having Sex Again.

Wagons East: Heading into the Smog

But for now I gotta do laundry....

Hey Everyone, I'm back! Hello?

Last day off before I return to the bit mines. What with one thing and another today is going to be busy but I'll give a summary, with details forthcoming.

Day one was damn hectic: alarm went off at 4:30 AM to get my 7 AM flight. The flight into T.O. was packed but we actually managed to get there on time. Bro #1 met us at the airport and we got to experience public transportation. Toronto actually has a good bus and underground system. You almost wouldn't need a car.

So after drinks and dinner (and more drinks) we went to SPAMALOT! Pretty damn good. It's a musical and I don't like musicals. It was funny though, so I give it 4 out of 5 tophats. And I gotta get the t-shirt ("I'm not quite dead yet").

So after that, the brothers Moby went to the peelers. It was described as a dive by some, but frankly I think any "gentleman's club" is scuzzy by default.

The experiment with lap-dances was a resounding success but we expended the budget sooner than expected. Yeesh.

So, drunk and fondled, went back to the hotel at 3 AM. Not quite a 24 hour day but damn close.

The next day we met up with our Uncle and went to Healy's; Jeff Healy's little downtown club. He and his Jazz Wizards put on a free show in the afternoons and it was bloody great. One of the little brothers commented that Healy himself looked stoned out of his mind, so we had to tell him that Healy is actually blind. I thought I was the unobservant one.

Later that night, we met up with the cousins and went to a club. Very hoity-toity, we westerners were a tad underdressed. Good booze and a damn good view. Calgary has alot of gorgeous women, but they're pretty cookie cutter in looks. Toronto has an incredible variety of women it was like Rome all over again.

Oh, and I ran into someone I knew there. My ex's friend. Which was cool as I liked her (not snooty like most of her friends). But I'm sure the phones/emails were abuzz after that. Still expecting a little fallout from that encounter.

Later on some family from the other side of the tree showed up so more alcohol was consumed, cheeks inched, "my how you've grown" comments made etc. We closed the place up, then me and the brothers went to the peelers. Again.

The next day was recovery day, so the cousins and the brothers did Dim Sum for lunch, then a Gypsy restaurant for dinner (which featured belly dancers). No peelers this time.

After three days of eating, drinking and various entertainments, we went to the cottage for the reunion proper. I'll write that one up later when I get my photos off the camera.

Good to be back though. Now if I can just get the rest of the week off....

Case of Acute Melodrama

Er, sorry about my over-acting yesterday. But to be fair being told that a ailment children commonly get without any reprecussions could do some serious damage to the ol' ticker is a tad disconcerting.

Besides, I think my doctor is a quack. I have Thrush, which is basically a reaction to penicillin. This was diagnosed by my Mom. The doc had me go for blood, urine and EKG tests.

I'm a staunch supporter of state-sponsored medical care, but jeez.

Holidays! Yay! Tanning! Food! And, well, it's rumoured that the nudie bars in Ontario allow for, well ..... lap dances. I've never had one so fully intend to try it out.

Strictly for research you understand.

In other news, I think when I get back I'll try out EVE Online. Like Planetside, I tried the free trial a while back and didn't like it. Looks like they've improved the UI (user interface not unemployment insurance) and I've been doing some research on new player guides etc.

I have an inherent, nay genetic need to fly in three dimensions and blow shit up. 2D just ain't cuttin' it, man!

So in the meantime, I'm just house cleaning, shopping for iPod accessories and getting my slack on. I may do some updates while away (I understand that there's these things called "Internet Cafes".) because frankly I just can't go cold turkey. I needs me my Internets tubes.

Vacation Plot Twists

A couple of twists as I start my two-week vacation.

First off I'm going to SPAMALOT! Yup, extreme geekiness ensues.

Secondly, I'm still not over the whole strep-throat thing. Went to the doctor yesterday and he wants me to go get some tests done as there is a risk of Rheumatic fever, which is basically damaged heart valves. I won't get the test results until I get back from vacation. So I won't be spending the entire time worrying about that. Right.

I always thought it was the smoking that was gonna do me in.

Clothes, Booze and my Family

First off, hats off to Capa for getting myself and other delinquent writer wanna-bees off of our collective butts and forcing (inflicting?) deadlines on us in the near future. More details later.

So I started the replacement of my stolen clothing today. Normally, I am not a "shopping" person. I employ the time honored technique of "get in, grab stuff, get out". On a side note this methodology does not work well in relationship to, well, relationships.

Of course the tough part is replacing shirts. Pants aren't a problem: black slacks, no pleats. But I've worked hard on building a collection of the nerdiest hipster-doofus bowling style shirts in town. Those are hard to come by. The ol' standby, Winners, just didn't have anything. So after hitting 5 shops I managed to get four shirts nobody else on the planet would be seen dead in. Eight more to go.

I still haven't cracked all that beer. Vodka and lime is just too damn refreshing plus an order of magnitude less gas than beer. So I'm giving it away as presents before it goes sour.

People don't take kindly to random strangers handing them a case of beer and running away. They tend to call the police. You would think that Stampede would be the perfect time to give away booze....

Because my family is essential insane, the past two days has been booking and rebooking hotel rooms, flights and figuring out what the hell is going on next week. My little brother intended to stay with my other little brother, but since it's 40+ degrees in T.O., he wanted to share my hotel room. Because of the late date, changing my room would have doubled the price for an extra bed, so I told him to get his own room. They guy makes more money than me, sheesh. Cheap bastard. Er, sorry Mom.

Next week is just two days of work, a couple of days of prep and house-cleaning (nothing worse than coming home to, well, what it normally looks like when I'm here). Needs me a new bathing suit (or two), as the Mediterranean salt apparently rots nylon. Despite the lunacy that is known as my family, I'm actually going to have a good time at this reunion. After all, this is the side of the family that has rum for breakfast.

Addendum

Sweet! LightWave 9 finally came out! I know what I'm spending an outrageous amount of money on when I get back!

I May Have Been Hasty

Ummm, so I sent an email to the girl I was seeing and had thought was giving me a brush off. I wished her the best of luck and all that.

Turns out that she wasn't doing the brush off thing. She's still interested in seeing me. So I left it open to make contact again.

Going back to the whole narrative imperative thing, the usual plot line is like I imagined: boy meets girl, boy likes girl, girl likes boy at first then boy says/does something totally innocent and completely wrong. Girl makes boy nuts.

This on the other hand is a story I haven't been in yet.

We'll see.

Tell Me When It's Over

Truly Single again....

The past couple of weeks, the girl I was seeing kept breaking dates (with, at the time, seemed quite legitimate excuses). I attempted to make a date this Sunday, but she wanted to "play it by ear".

Apparently "play it by ear" produces a deafening silence.

Of course, it would be nice if she just told me she didn't want to continue. Not having the guts to tell me tells me either she's not quite ready to date again yet or she just doesn't have the guts to be honest.

Sure, feelings would be hurt, but I'm a grown up. Well, parts of me anyway. Dating is two people getting to know each other in order to determine if they want a future together. If one of them doesn't believe so, then it's over: wish each other well and part ways.

So I'm disappointed: not that she didn't want to see me anymore, but that she didn't respect myself or herself enough to just tell me. So no loss on my part.

In other news, the big family reunion is next week: should be fun (yet expensive) as I haven't seen many of the family out East more than once in 20 years. Plus, of course, it's 2 weeks off.

And apparently my cousins have single friends.....

Catch Your Bliss

A short report, but today I'm feeling quite blissful. All of my perceived troubles and woes just seem, well, inconsequential today. Maybe it's the nice day, the great workout I had, the drugs kicking in....

Anyways, just thought I'd record these thoughts as this is pretty much a "banner day" emotionally.

And also mark the point where it will inevitably just go straight down that creek...

Now, now, no need to be negative, Moby....

Today's Plot Twists

The Saga Continues!

The Clerks: Uncensored DVD is a bad print: keeps getting an "Unable to Read Disk" error. Mind you, I think my DVD player (aka Playstation 2) is dying a slow death, so I'll try it on my computer. So much for a bargain.

My date cancelled tonight. She has a sore throat so I can really empathise with that. Really hope it isn't strep. And no, we haven't done anything that would point to me as the carrier (darn it).

My current project may be cancelled or completely change again.

Maybe that's what I need to do with this blog: report my life as a series of convoluted plot twists and unlikely coincidences.

Narrative Imperative

There are some who think life has patterns. And everyday observations tend to substantiate this: things happen over and over again (almost) the same every time. There are many theories as to why this happens in life.

For example, there are those who firmly believe Murphy's Laws are an integral part of the universe: that when things can go wrong, they will. Spin me back to 1992, and I would whole-heartedly agree. Now, after observing a couple of things that have actually gone right, I don't believe that's how the universe works (most times anyways).

Then there are those who think - for whatever reason, from religion to physical causality - that everything that occurs is predestined. From the big-bang/six-day origin to the big-crunch/apocalypse, nothing is left to chance and that every occurrence can be predicted given enough divine/sub-atomic knowledge. I'm disinclined to believe this, but keep an open mind (from a science end, not a gospel end).

Still others believe in Karma: the idea that what good or evil you do in the universe, the universe delivers right back at ya. While this is a feel-good philosophy followed by some genuinely nice people, that theory does not, in the least, match my experiences.

For me, my causality viewpoint is Narrative Imperative. I actually couldn't find a link that describes it all that well, but basically it's like this: human behavior and experience follows common patterns (narrative) almost without fail (imperative). Ever hear someone say there are no new stories, that they all have been written and anything "new" is just rehashing old plots? That's the way the human mind works. Everyone knows that you don't go back into the house where the crazy, chainsaw wielding maniac is, but how many movies does this occur in? The human species seems programmed (genetically and by their society) to expect certain patterns of behavior.

So in my life, these patterns range from the mundane to the profound. For example, I know that when I park my car beside a truck with monster truck tires, I'm going to get a ding in my door. That's a pretty common one. A more obscure one is that when I start falling for a girl, there's a fifty-fifty chance that, over the course of a weekend, they'll meet someone, fall madly and passionately in love, and want to be with only with him. This is discovered when she tells me all about it. All about it. Every. Intimate. Detail. And then says it's great to have a friend she can tell this to.

No it hasn't happened lately, just saying.

So you get the idea.

The other part of the narrative imperative doesn't relate to patterns but rather is a way seeing how unexpected events occur. Human beings (well, some human beings) plan how things are supposed to go. Sometimes they go as planned, sometimes they... don't.

Which brings us back to me.

If you take a look at the "stories" in my life: my life from birth to today, my time with a person or at a job, or even the little events that make up the day, it seems like in many cases, there are "plot twists".

Some Examples:

I need to get alot of work done and I get strep throat. Once again, I must race against the clock to get things done, despite complications, to get to that happy ending.

I go to pick up my dry cleaning, which is basically all my work clothes, and the proprietor says they were stolen. He'll refund the money if I replace them (12 shirts, 3 pants) but in the meantime I'm down to tier 3 clothes.

I'm dressed in a ridiculous outfit to go to a party and get pulled over by the police not once, but twice.

When I applied to architecture school, I was first on the waiting list. While getting some courses to cover some bases, I got drunk for year and flunked out. While trying to get into Journalism school, I got my English degree. When I got a decent job out of school, I got laid off 3 months later. When my two businesses started to pick up, the cultural and political climates changed 180 degrees, leaving me homeless.

This kind of stuff happens to everyone (almost everyone). But to me, sometimes it seems I'm character in a story, and these things just come out of some cosmic author's word processor. Plot twists, then, in a what is normally a pretty straight life.

Not sure if it's good or bad (sometimes it's both). All I know is that when the last chapter ends, my name is in the Author's acknowledgements.

Some royalties would be nice too.

That Wacky Horseman!

So I've had a sore throat for a week. So I had problems swallowing carrots today at lunch.

So it turns out I have strep throat. Which means I'm quarantined for 24 hours. That's a pain in the ass, as last week's training means I have two weeks' worth of work to do in four days. Three now. And I can't go to the gym. I haven't been since Friday and my butt is widening to fit the chair as we speak.

Not sure where I got it though. My best guess was actually at training last week. The place where we were edjumacated was one of those offices in a mall. A mall that is petty much an informal homeless shelter. And handles on the doors to get in the mall gave me the heebie-jeebies. Yuck.

So it means I will be stuck at home tomorrow. And taking penicillin. Woo.

Yuck.

Long Weekend Rundown

Howdy y'all.

Oh dear gods it must be nearing Stampede...

Anyways Mom's B-day was good. Despite the fact that my little bro and I dragged our dear Mother to the pro shop to get her some new golf clubs, she insisted we don't (insisted meaning she said something along the lines of "Oh, don't waste your money on me!". And we learned long ago to just surrender) and get her a bike helmet instead. We tricked her into getting it at Costco, and paid for the major impulse buys she had.

The clubs would have been cheaper. But it's my Mom (awwwww). Capa, the obligatory "mama's boy" comment if you please....

Other than that, rummaged through the various discount bins and picked up this, one of these (Ach! Zombies!) and found this for $7. I've always tried to pick that last one up but it's always $60+.

Oh yeah and new rice cooker. Mmmm... ricey goodness.

So I have a slightly deeper farmer tan, a sore throat (hope it's a cold and not strep, which apparently is going around) and deep desire to win the lottery and live a life of debauchery. Okay, maybe one debauch then just be lazy. I can do that.

Alright a couch-potato/gaming slug. I know my limits.

Weekend Update!

Ummm, not alot actually.

A lot of plans fell through, I did manage to get some decent bike rides in. Other than the weekly chores, that's about it.

I did get some of my free beer. I haven't had any yet. Not sure why not.

Really, all I'm posting for is to just get something done this weekend.

The next week will be a tad more exciting. I'm off-site getting Java training all next week. Then after 8 hours of training I have to go back to the office (oi) each day.

Company BBQ on Wednesday, which should prove interesting. Hope the weather is nice.

Then on the long weekend (longer in that I am taking Friday off) I'm going to visit my Mom for her 60th B-day. As I want to give her new golf clubs, and know abslutly zilch about golf, I'm just going to take her shopping.

And sometime in there, I'm hoping another date.

News Update!

So yeah I was sick for the interview. But it was moved again so now it's not an interview as such, just checking out a new prospect. Which is okay. I can raise my 'Networking' skill a point at least. 299 more of those and I get my "Schmooze: Level 2".

Next week: actual training!!! Java, thank goodness. I was tad worried we would be spending two days on variables and control structures, but rumour has it that stuff will be covered in the first morning. The instructors have been told that people will have to keep up or be left behind. So it'll be like Survivor: Java.

And as previously stated, I would probably get voted off the island before the boat hit the dock. Which is good 'cuz then they ship you to a resort for the remainder of the show.

And for those of you asking for details on the woman I'm seeing....

Too bad.

I don't wanna jinx it.

Continueinueum

I finally got in contact with my beer guy.

And I need to get all 15 cases at once. Who wants a beer?

And my date went well, with only one screw up. I'm really hoping it's perceived as shy and sweet instead of clumsy and stupid. Which it was. Nothing that bad, just an attempt at a peck on a cheek.

I really need therapy. Or lessons. Or Prozac.

So, job interview tomorrow. It's always awkward going into work in a suit for an afternoon interview. I may have to feign sick. Although I was sick last night and not feeling so hot right now (which was a wonderful way to feel for a second date) so it may not be a lie.

Which means I'll be sick for a job interview. Go me.

Blonde Day

Oi.

Okay so I do have a follow up date! Yay me! And while arranging it, I realized later that I may have said some things that were either a) stupid or b) open to some very negative interpretation when I actually meant to give a compliment. I won't go into detail here.

Sometimes I think the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz and I should start our own bowling team....

On top of that: I got to the gym tonight, opened up my gym bag and realized that after doing laundry on Sunday I neglected to put any clean clothes back in the bag. So I rushed out into the mall, got the cheapest shorts (red) and t-shirt (blue) that I could find in the clearance rack and went back to the gym.

Now the shorts said "Medium" but I think that may have been a slight exaggeration. The t-shirt was the right size but was, in point of fact, a tank top.

All that was missing was the terry-cloth head and wrist bands. I could have passed for a taller, balder version of Richard Simmons.

Guess Who had a Date?

Yup. Me.

A coffee date with someone I met on the internet. Now, the reason I didn't tell anyone (here or in real life) as I tend to think it jinxes it. That, and I get over-excited, nervous and clumsy. Clumsier. I'm not known for sweeping women off of my feet, more like tripping them. But coffee was good, and we had a nice walk around the neighborhood: the weather finally cleared up.

She's a pretty cool girl: she's traveled, smart, has an English degree and is a total geek. I won't go into detail here, but lets just say there are a remarkable amount of similar interests.

I know, scary similarity there.

So I think it went well, no walk of shame. An exchange of phone numbers is happening (via email) and we're supposed to make arrangnments for drinks later on.

Just hope my shyness factor reduces itself a bit. She seemed to be pretty business-like (not uncommon though and to be expected) and there wasn't alot of tension. And I wasn't my usual goofy self. That's normal right?

Anyway, a good first date with no out-of-left-field surprises like unrevealed children, an Amway pitch or obvious psychosis. In her. Me, I'm never sure about.

And she's cute, never discount that. Of course, it takes a couple dates to determine a rapport (as opposed to the instant, not-a-chance date). Good feeling so far as we seem intellectually compatible.

We'll see. Here's hoping.

Up the Ziggurat

Congrats and kudos to the Lemming for getting a push up to management at the ol' evil empire.

Seems a lot of my mates are getting promoted there while I am firmly attached to the bottom rung. I am the master of the career limiting move!

Thank the gods.

And for linkage, the makers of Ask a Ninja now have a spin-off: Hope Is Emo.

No wonder I don't watch television anymore.